Category Archives: Satire

Parks Reopen

Our mentally challenged politicians have finally come to their senses (it won’t last) and our National Parks are now open again. Bears throughout the west are having events to celebrate.

Bears in Oregon are having a meet and greet at the Lodge at Crater Lake. Bears in California are having an interpretive dance festival at the Ahwahnee in Yosemite. Finally, Washington State bears are having a folk art festival at Hurricane Ridge on the Olympic Peninsula.

Bear defections

My brother Zelazney has informed me that because of the government shutdown, bears in Glacier National Park and Yellowstone are considering defecting to Canada! Canadian officials are said to be quite worried about this.

Elsewhere, Yosemite bears are threatening to stage a rock concert/sit-in at Yosemite Falls. Oregon bears are descending upon Portland on Saturday for a vegan cookout fundraiser. Finally, bears in Washington State are planning a march on Olympia to ask the legislature to secede from the now defunct United States.

URGENT APPEAL! Bears hurt by government shutdown

Bears in our National Parks have been furloughed as a result of the shutdown. I urge you to send food parcels to our friends in need. Please also consider hosting a bear family until this crisis is over (black bears only-we don’t recommend grizzlies). Your help is crucial for our ursine brothers and sisters in this uncertain time.

An End of One Journey

Despite their reputation, the authorities from the Department of Homeland Security were really rather nice about the the whole thing. I really think they were embarrassed about firing at an airship. And missing.

When Benjamin pointed out that Pan and Yaris were endangered species and that shooting at them contravened international law, these officials became positively apologetic. They even let us tether the Magellan at Hickam Field.

So here we are at the poolside of the Hilton Hawaiian Village in Waikiki. Austen spends his time cannonballing into the pool. Pan is asleep next to a large plate that once contained bamboo. Yaris is asleep after a Kitty rubdown. Benjamin went off to take a phone call from his English cousin Gillian. She is a scientist with the Rabbit Antarctic Survey.

All seems peaceful.

Until Benjamin came in breathlessly with news. We all clustered around him.

“Gillian has amazing news. She has found the lost Penguins of Mu! But they are in great danger. The evil Nautiloids from the Challenger Deep have awoken after eons long hibernation and are heading south to their old feeding ground in Antarctica. Gillian needs our help.”

I simply sighed as we prepared to return to the Magellan.

A Day which shall live in Calamity

Our trip north in the Magellan has been pleasant. We even managed to stop in Tahiti and eat in the small bistro in Papete. Yaris liked the fruit bowl!

We all got excited as we approached Hawaii. As Pearl Harbor came into view Pan wanted to know what the silver thing coming at us was.

It was an F-18.

We all had the same thought at once. Maybe we should have notified the authorities. Particularly since the date was December 7. Oops

Yaris looked out the window: “look at the pretty ships below!”

Just then a puff of smoke obscured one of the “pretty ships.” It was a missile of course. Followed by many more. Austen remarked that they might have trouble locking on to an airship.

Without warning the missile attack stopped. We looked out the windows as the attack helicopters approached. 10 20 30.

We shoved Yaris and Pan to the cockpit and told them to start waving. They wouldn’t shoot at a tiger and panda would they?

The Magellan

We spent the next few days at the bungalow waiting for the eruption to die down. Yaris played with Stripes and Scooner and Pan dozed most of the time in the bamboo grove. Benjamin and Austen made observations on the eruption while I stayed in the bungalow reading. Darwin tends to make me drowsy but Huxley is always entertaining.

After a few days, Austen gathered us together and said it was time to leave. We all wondered if a boat had arrived. Austen looked amused which in my experience, is not a good sign in a rabbit.

We walked through the jungle on a new path and came to a clearing. Would there be a plane, a helicopter, or some other MODERN device to travel home on?

Of course, my fears were realized. It was an airship called the Magellan. State of the art technology circa 1922. I just about  asked Austen if it was helium or hydrogen but thought the better of it. I don’t want to know.

We started to go on board. Stripes and Scooner licked Yaris goodbye and waved to us as we entered the gondola. Austen went to the helm, adjusted a few levers and away we headed north to the Hawaiian Islands.

It is turning into a comfortable journey. The Magellan is very posh with 1922 style bunks, dining table and even a kitty basket for Yaris. The food is excellent with an adequate supply of coffee. We expect a pleasant flight of a few days with Hawaii as our destination.

What could possibly go wrong?

Boom

We ran as fast as we could down the path that led us to the base of the volcano. Austen explained that due to the lower side of the cauldera, the lava would flow away from us. Probably.

We continued to run down the mountain as fast as we could. We could sense the ash rising from the volcano behind us. We eventually made it safely to the jungle and the bungalow.

Pan, Yaris and the cats were waiting for us in the clearing. We explained what had happened including Benjamin starting the whole thing by tossing a stone into the volcano. He shuffled his paws as everybody stared at him.

At Austen’s suggestions, we all trooped down to the beach for a better look at the volcano. We watched in awe as the eruption continued. Benjamin contemplated the scene and uttered what were nearly his last words.

“It was only a small stone. No real harm done.”

At that point, the mountain exploded knocking all of us down. Fortunately the force of the blast was largely in the opposite direction. We stood up and gazed at the mushroom cloud as the ash rose. Austen estimated that the ash would reach South America in a couple of days. Benjamin kept muttering:

“It was only a small stone!”

Benjamin versus the volcano

Benjamin versus the volcano, or, next time we take Pan instead!

We had a very pleasant evening at Austen’s bungalow. What a magnificent rabbit he is indeed: he stocks the very best French roast coffee. We all slept very well in comfortable hammocks, except for Yaris who curled up in a Kitty basket.

The next morning as a very tasty breakfast was being cleared away, Benjamin without warning asked Pan and Yaris if they wanted to visit the volcano. Without a word, Pan and Yaris sauntered out the door. Pan was soon snoozing next to his bamboo grove and Yaris was soon playing with his kitty cat friends. I guess we had their answer.

This time, Scooner and Stripes stayed behind to look after Pan and Yaris. I went along with the two rabbits and we hiked for some time through the dense rainforest. Finally, we reached the base of Mt. Kettle and began the ascent to the rim of the crater. As Mt. Kettle is not too large, this did not take long.

Austen fiddled with a variety of measuring instruments while I took a short nap. Benjamin sat and gazed into the cauldera. There was no lava visible, just basalt.

Austen eventually finished his measurements and declared that the mountain was heading for an eruption, but it would probably be sometime in the future

In disappointment, Benjamin picked up a small stone and threw it into the volcano. Mesmerized, we watched as it travelled through the air and hit the plug of rock inside the volcano. Suddenly, cracks began to appear. Then, steam appeared, first white and then yellow. The smell of sulfur became strong. Finally, we looked through the steam and saw red.

Lava had replaced the basalt floor of the cauldera. The lava was rising: time to leave.

Island of Me-Ow

We gathered around Austen to get some information on our current circumstance. Like how to get off the island immediately. Benjamin shot off questions to Austen about the island. Was it the Mysterious Island? No. The Lost World? No. Caprona? No.

Austen explained it was an uncharted island found by the Victorian explorer and scientist Professor Horace Holly. The island was named by him as the Island of Me-Ow. Yaris wanted to know why.

As if on cue there was a rustle from the jungle and to our horror, two enourmous cats leapt onto the beach. I noticed that Austen looked unworried and made no move towards his weapons. The cats went over to a trembling Yaris and far from eating him, gave him a friendly lick. At this point we realized what we were seeing: two enormous tabby cats.